Conscious dating by susan campbell
Again, most people are not even conscious of the fact that most of their self-talk and communication with others comes from the intent to control. This puts your well-being on pretty shaky ground. In my own case, I learned to judge my father for how easily he was provoked to anger rather than simply feel my fear of his anger at me. As you look down this list, you'll notice that all of these things have something to do with avoiding uncomfortable feelings. But healthy human communication is not really about protecting ourselves from discomfort or controlling how others react to us.
Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of these examples. It has taken me thirty-five years of working as a relationship coach and teamwork consultant to boil the knotty problem of human communication down to its essence. It helps him pay attention to his more deeply felt but subtler reactions, enabling him to respond in a more authentic way. But we can't because such things are unknowable until they are revealed in time. Your capacity for present-centered relating is already at a very high level.
The seven keys bring you into the here and now. He still enjoys my company. But all fifteen are variations on the seven, and when applied consistently they can lead to successful outcomes for most relationship dilemmas. Here is an example of how the intent to control might show up in an intimate relationship.
You develop the ability to relate more and control less. The higher your score, the higher your likelihood of having successful relationships. Present-centered communication relating is open and relaxed about such things.
When you are more conscious and present, you are more resourceful. And the only way to really discover this and learn to trust yourself is to risk feeling what you feel and expressing yourself authentically. This breeds further fear and mistrust.
On the other hand, if you allow your attention to be clouded by hidden agendas and unfinished business that you do not know how to address, you will feel unsafe. They foster a high level of self-awareness in each moment. Unclear communications and unexpressed discomfort about them are a major source of stress in our lives. Using these seven statements prevents your fears about an uncertain outcome from taking over because you are more connected to yourself and to the other in present time.
This sort of strategizing keeps you in a state of chronic fear or anxiety. Sometimes using just one of these phrases will get you back on track or keep you on the right course. Scoring The highest possible score is thirty, and the lowest would be zero. Your communications tend to come across as less connected, less genuine, and therefore less trustworthy. People try to manipulate the outcome of their interactions all the time and if they're not doing that, they're trying to bolster up their egos.
You are in a sense affirming that if things do not turn out according to plan, you will not be okay. Healthy communication, communication that fosters connection, trust, intimacy, and respect, is about knowing and being known.
All of us have been hurt by other people at some time in our lives as we have tried to express ourselves authentically, offer love, or get our needs met. The results are often profound, always provocative, sometimes disturbing, but mostly hilarious. When you are more focused on creating a favorable outcome or a favorable impression than on expressing yourself authentically, you are reinforcing your fears and anxieties. They assist you in feeling connected not just with yourself and the other, but also with your entire context or current reality. This builds empathy, trust, and rapport between yourself and others.
This helps you stay focused on what is real rather than what is imagined or feared. You will probably find the skills and tools in this book compatible with your style. Others require a fairly deep level of self-exploration.
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